Egyptian Ken - timid uptight stock controller but at night he listens to Egyptian music
Tuffty - just simple tuffty, daft innocence fluffy fun
Mr Late Nights - he does doughnuts in car park, throws his KFC's bones out of his car window, throws stones at lampposts that sort of thing, doesn't give a shit
The Northern Powerhouse - Andy asks to be the Northen Powerhouse, and Bob accepts it dispite it not being one of his names
Fred Box - not a great name but solid, farmer, mainly beet farming ocasionally parsnips for Christmas market, one deal is that he killed his wife with a shotgun. Regretted ever since. The community don't speak to him, cause he shot his wife.
Shitty man
Ronnie Hot Dogs
Andy to Bob
Honkytonk
Probe Tube 54
Probe Tube 56
Fraction Jackson - he can convert any percentage into a fraction in a heartbeat just like that
Jim Halfpenny - used to be Jim Wilson, but changed the name, obsessed with Jill Halfpenny
Ronnie Hot Dog - weirdly, Bob initially chooses Fraction Jackson, but when he can't convert 57%, he selects Ronnie Hot Dog
The Night Thomas - almost invisible in the shadows, and Creeps around the local estate (cul-du-sac is his favourite haunt) and maybe just drops his Thomas out now and then. No one sees it, not saying, that you know you're a pervert
Chesty Matthews - a man, quite chesty, used to be little bow legged a winger for Preston. Retired now. Got a pigeon chest now cause he's on steroids and he's also got the tits
Andy to Bob
Honkytonk
Probe tube 3
Sophie nice lass - called Sophie, she's a nice lass, average intelligence, not harmful, average looks, no Malace, average looks, aged 23 graduate, unemployed but does intern work at various media organisations, various meat factories
Asti Spumante - low budget latario with season ticket to karaoke club
Jackie Potatoes - sounds like Jacket Potatoes - when he lamps you, you go down like a sack of spuds - he's a debt collector
Leslie Collins - he's 65, lives in a bungalow, he's a UKIP'er, a really well fed lawn, two solar panels, one of those machines in his garage that shags you (andy asks if it's solar powered), and he's slowly going insane
Tits McVitie - he's a bit like John McCririck, in that he stinks of digestive biscuits, he's a sales rep for Atora the suet company
Micky Driscols - country and western fan, 42,still lives with his Mam, only speaks to her on fridays when they do the "big shop" together, 26 stone, he's on the Disability for his bad back, and he's written the word "Trapped" in biro on his track suit bottoms
Paul Silverton - not his real name, his real name is Johnny Mango, he's got bleached blond side parting, bit of a tan, powder blue V neck, white skinny jeans, and humbert boots. He gets a right nark on when he's pissed, and he sells the odd Ritalin pill here and there that he nicked off the stepkids
Edam Keith - Small spherical head, with the red face and yellow teeth, he's a biter, usually found in the bookies by the Red Lion or on Layfette Street in Paris. Famous for tucking his slacks into his Humbert Boots. He has one of those machines that shag you in his shed
Ray Peterbough - he's cheerful, plasterer, got a real good set of solid mates, meet down the pub four or five times a week. Single at the moment, the only little quirk is he keeps a pelican in his loft in a very, very restrictive cage
Mick Moth - he's a glam goth sort of gitar player, in his late 40's. Never actually been in a band, he just plays gitar Hero really, is the truth of it. He's one of those blokes, you know these ones that get fun from having someone bash at his balls with a hammer
Andy to Bob
Stephen Cream (Steve, Stevie) - he's got a van, and he's done it so it looks like a red telephone box, but it's on it's side. and it sells all the creams. Street Creams, Single, Double, clotted, squirty and skin. all the creams. He's 48 and this is definatly his last chance. all the creams.
The Key Cut Fucker - he goes into key cutting shops and challenges them to cut a key that he's got with him, 'cause he reckons it's imposible, and then when they cut it for him, he pulls out another one the same out of his pocket and goes "Hey man, I've already got one like, haha" and runs out without paying
Alan Pigg - works at his Dad's farm shop 'cause that's a lovely place to work, but on the downside he's a self harmer, and he once bit a horse on it's flank when he was in Israel.
Jez Bevel - He lives in a minimalist Condo, nothing there apart from a 4K TV, a bright orange swedish office chair and a Golden Eagle
Shits McQuirter - He holds several world records relating to tod and todding. He's done the thinest ever, he's done the most tods in the shape of Portugal, he's done the hardest tod ever laid, and interestingly, the most cuddlable tod
Funky Kev - Nice Chap, a little bit of a pot belly, a little round, white, round pot belly. He's got lots of miniture pets. Little hamsters, little dogs, little cats. He collects glass clowns, so that's nice isn't it Andy? Has a 50's vibe. He's planning to fire a crossbow at his neighbour
Andy to Bob
Milky Jackson - You'll see him come to life when there's one of those little pots of long life milk that you get on the trains, or in cafe up the Asda. Everytime he sees one of those he'll open it, sniff it and shout "Milk's Off"
The Duke of Hopscotch - He's got a hopscotch grid painted on his driveway, but he's the subject of a banning order, and he's got to stay locked in his bathroom every afternoon when the schools are coming out. His catchphrase is "I didn't do it"
Ricky Pickles - He's 50, tall, slim, long blond hair. Denim jacket and jeans, white Converse. Works for DHL and he's got tattooed in his fingers F*** Parcelforce
Johnny Congo - Amiable bike thief, is what he would describe himself as. Happy to do time occasionally, 'cause his wife's always kneeing him in the balls for a daft laugh. He's got one of those legs like Oscar Pistorius, so that's nice isn't it?
Andy to Bob
Lenny Biscuits - Now Lenny hides biscuits in his track suit top up the ASDA, gets to the till, and then he slides them out, and he says "I could have nicked these, but I didn't". Then he puts a fiver down so he doesn't have to get the out of his track suit, 'cause obviously the cost less than a fiver, and it's not illegal not to scan the barcode. He's handing over the fiver, and he's getting the biscuits, and he feels like he's nicked them, and it funds that by stealing perfume from Debenhams
The Masked Bastard - Now he wears a mask, but the mask is actaully a picture ofhis own face, but bo-one knows this because it's him actaully behind the mask and they never get to see behind the mask. That's his favourate bit of bastardery. He also does other low level stuff like glueing pound coins on the road outside the foodbank, and losening the tops on the salt cellars in the ASDA cafe
Water Bomb Wallace - he sells (unusual these the modern times; we're not in the second world war here anymore) he sells bouncing a little motorized water bombs. He sells them to the gypsies in return for tax planning advice from the gypsy king he drives a car which is painted to look like a walnut
The Coin - lives in a hostel for idiots. He has a special powerful mystical ancient coin. it's so powerful that you can use it to lever the top off bottles or scrape up blistered putty on the window if it's if it's flaking a bit. His left arm is so long I can't even tell you how long it is
Nick Sanford - Financial advisor but he's a member of his local silly society you know those; it's like middle class thing. They do daft dances and songs to raise money for outfits for themselves. He lives with an arab fella with winston's disease
Andy to Bob
Mike "the pipes" Piper - 51, divorced saving up for his second thai bride to come into the country because the first one didn't take. mike's all about the pipes he calls himself a freelance pipe consultant. he'll help you out when it comes to drain pipes, central heating pipes, pan pipes, bagpipes and smoking pipes. But he's advisory only doesn't gethis hands dirty. Got an asbos last year for harassing some workmen when they were replacing the gas man in his street
Jos Angeles - Loves all things american. He lives on twinkie bars and hershey bars and lucky charms. He only listens to Hall & Oakes and The Eagles. he's got an american pitbull which he's not allowed to have because he's banned so has to stay in the main bedroom and he's flat and he has the box room
Johnny Sweatshirt Parker - he sits at home all day, watching Nickelodeon and eating chick peas. Has one tod a day, which he sells to the gypsies to use as screeding. His famious sweatshirt is brown with a picture of a potatoe on it.
Gary Lighthouse - he works as a spy for vision express. He goes into specsavers, boots and all them checking out the style and the offers. He once punched a sparrow mid flight, and had it stuffed minus its beak. He just stick a little crab claw onto the front of it's face as it's beak.
Tod Laboratory - he's inherited permanent ear ache, he reads murder mysteries all day in his shower
Unit XB45 - a sex robot built in Bolton, it's off switch is a bit dodgy, and part of his face has melted. Looks a bit like Andrew Neil. Very nice manners.
Andy to Bob
International Adam - he's 45 lives alone in what he calls a penthouse, but is actaully a bedsit with a massive window overlooking the local tip. He does fourteen hour shifts for six months of the year, but spends the rest of the time travelling around the world on his own. He's got a blog and an instagram account, and he's frightened of looking women in the eye.
Krackers McNackers - he 45, had his testicals removed and replaced with a pair of klackers from the 1970's. He spends most of his evenings down at the ice rink discos in a vest and a pair of loose shorts, klacking in time to the music as he skates around and around.
Leeanne Jessop - she's like a Cheshire Housewife, married a bloke who owns a car dealership so she never has to graft. All cleavage and legs. Got a blokes face, but looks okay with the big hair and make up on. couple of hours. Having an affair with husband's best friend and once gave Phil N***** a hand job.
Test Tube Gary - first test tube baby in Cumbria. Historic. Looks like Gary Monk or Karen Matthews. Squaddie Basicaly. Delivery driver for UPS, has a big chunky ring, so when he bangs on your door it's like your house has just been hit by a shotgun. Mum died of Beriberi disease, which his Dad took surprisingly well.
Marko Crumb Crust - Divorced, short, balding and fat. Works at a small engineering firm in the midlands that makes coils for immersion heaters. Loves his food breadcrumbed. prawns, fish, chops, chicken, even veg. Likes to sprinkle a few breadcrumbs on his pudding and his cup of tea. Has a little dish of them on his workbench that he pecks at and he's considering having a beak crafted onto his lips.
Ronnie Hotdogs
Andy to Bob
Geoff Kettle - 43, 5'6" describes himself as a call centre renegade. He's worked in 24 call centres in nine years, since he got laid off by Datsun, and his ploy is on his first day at a new job at a call centre on his first day he walks in and punches the biggest fella who works there, straight off so that he can assert his authority. They are surprisingly lenient about that kind of thing because there is such a high turn over of staff in the call centres. They turn a bind eye also helps them maintain some sort of hierachy which they like. Also he's started to cover his mouth when he talks, 'cause he's seen the footballers doing it on the telly.
The Bootleg Roy Wegerle - 53, obsessed with former Coventry City striker Roy Wegerle, lives in a caravan which he's done up how he imagines what Roy Wegerle's South African home would look like, anmial heads on the walls as trophies, and he wears one of them hats with loads of corks on string hanging off them. Unlike the actual Roy Wegerle he's currently fighting and winning a long running battle with a tapeworm.
Father Biscuits his face is mainly forehead, but his eyes and mouth and nose are very close together in a little circle
Andy to Bob
Sexual Tina - she's 53 comes from Wakefield, she's made a small fortune in selling wooden pallets against all the odds. In what is a very male dominated industry. She started with one pallet that she sold to her Dad when she was nine, and built it up from there. She wears a nicotine patch that's got sherry hard wired into it. Doesn't wear any knickers and insists on telling this to everyone she meets.
Aromatic Frank - heavily over weight, gastric band, keeps his body folds from chaffing by rubbing in Swarfega with a shoe brush. Once had an affair with an Indian Doctor.
Wavey Ron Pickford - he's on the simple side of life, on the special side of life, he waves at strangers from his bedsit window, and if they wave back he takes a quick photo of them and sends it to the RSPCA.
Ronnie Hotdogs
Andy to Bob
Leslie Jeffers - He a man, not that it matters these days. He's got an menagerie of head lice and what's more he's very proud of the fact. He writes a blog about imagined courption in his local council. He's been banned from twitter, facebook and the question time audience because of his antisemitism but he claims it's because of the head lice. Pending Stomach Surgery
Nick Price - 49, permanently single, he's convinced that the right woman is out there but he just hasn't met her yet. he's master minded a string of failed dot coms over the past 20 years now he's condidering starting up some egg delivery business. Generally polite, but he can't help going overboard with the swearing when he has to talk to a tradesman. plumber window cleaner etc etc. Lots of effing and jeffing.
Ravioli Downpipe - latin lover boy with lifts in his shoes, and gadgets on his johnston
Andy to Bob
Car Boot Christian - he goes along to his local car boot sale, on a Saturday where he sets up a stall and has ten random items on there, that he's deliberately over priced by about 30% he refuses to engage with anyone who tries to barter with him. Stuff like bits of fishing tackle, one of those ceramic hens that you keep eggs in, an old rotary dial telephone, bits of soviet milliary army kick knacks. Doesn't sell any of it, then he goes home and rewards himself 'cause he's got one of those machines that shags you in the garage. He has a hour on that before super sunday.
Mobile Malcolm - Malcolm is 44, lives alone in a mobile home, got a mobile phone, he runs a mobile disco, he avidly reads books that he gets from the mobile library, and he makes those mobiles that hang above children's beds and he sells them on eBay. Lost both of his feet in a farming accident in 1987.
Ken T Turtles - what's the T for you ask? Putting your golf ball on. The T is for tortures. He obese, grows cress in his skin folds, and has his BUPA number tattooed on his douglas
Absent Alan - 44, very jocular, life and soul of the party but with a cronic tendancy to go missing when anything ever needs doing. Anything from light admin all the way through to heavy lifting or other manual labour. Someone is definaly going to give him a smack in the mouth one of these days.
John Toffee OBE - 44, divorced, runs a self improvement group for other over 40 males in the the middle of a clearing in his local woods and that mainly involves them cutting holes in their t-shirts, so their nipples are exposed and they sit around in a circle and chant nurturing wind upon my tits, nurturing wind upon my tits. The OBE is self appointed.
Lesbot 4000 - lesbian robot it a lot like the Lesbot 3000 but its also got steel whiskers and you can top up a pay as you go sim on it.
Chips Wiffles - he's a golf pro, he's a steroid addict and he once got pissed in Pakistan
Andy to Bob
Bongo John - 38, works in an adult store on the side of the A1, he's built a den in the corner of a field over the back of the shop where he hides all the stuff that he steals. Mainly novelty johnnies. He's going to sell them all on the dark web, and buy a monster truck
Iqbal Briefcase - he's a little Sri Lankan fella, and I mean tiny, lives in a briefcase. The briefcase belongs to a sales rep for coffeemate. The powdered milk people. Quite creamy they say. His boss, let's call him Peter, he doesn't know he lives there. He thinks he's got a little mouse in his suitcase as Iqbal does little tods in the corner of the briefcase
Andy to Bob
Thin Richmond - he is the heir to the Richmond sausage empire and the range of thin Richmond sausages were named after him and designed for him because he was such a feeble child and he couldn't manage a fat one.
A Lonely Old Woman - she might me lovely and lonely, or she might be lonely as she's a bit spiteful.
Jack Shit Johnson - owns a carrier pigeon called John, he believes that Persil was the Greek God of laundry. Dedicated his life to proving that is the case.
Andy to Bob
Bunny Justinoff
The Chief Lieutenant of BMX (Lufborough North)
The June 2019 Probe Tube exhibition at London's Science Museum
Tom Birdybum - The only man in the UK to have a beak protecting his anus
Vince 'needlessly camp' McFruitgums - extremly camp glass blower from Leigh-on-sea, whose glassware has an unusal pattena, as he always has a fruitgum in his mouth whe he blows
Andy to Bob
Honkytonk
Sir John Feelings - he was the inventor of feelings in 1862
The Decision Goth - if you have any problems, and you can't work out what to do, he'll decide for you
Honkytonk - tried to hijack Ronnie Hot Dogs (again)
Keith Swindles - he goes out shopping for shoes, at the shops, and then when he's trying them on, he faints, insists on an ambulance and then he gets the shoes for free
Johnny Threshold - every spring he dresses head to foot in lilac coloured clothing and hangs himself above front doors to give the impression of a Wisteria in bloom
Ronnie Hot Dogs
Andy to Bob
Honkytonk
Drive Through Jason - he's converted the garden on the side of his house into a nice drive through area and he sells toffee pennies and little cups of warm tap water for twenty pence each out of a hatch. He says you can have it for free if you kiss his hand. no one has taken him up on that, yet.
Dame Fanny Shanklin - she's 92, retired bingo caller from Thirsk, he son has got a mobile butchers van, she goes around with him chopping the meat in the back of the van, while she sings some show tunes
Bobby Honkytonk - not offered, but Bob wanted to personise it, then he generated Bobby Tonks, Bobby Honk
Dougie Brisket - massive hands, head size of a peach and two hearts. His alsation has terrible monge, mange, monge
Ronnie Hot Dogs
Andy to Bob
The Former Cinema - reckons he used to be a cinema, and he planning to become a weatherspoons. Probably a liar
Chunky Raymond - he injects goose fat into all the right places in order to make himself become a cube. He was awarded King Kong of Stockton five times in the last six years. Only missed out on one occation when he was in prison for being a massive baddie
Ken Barrier - logistics manager for Ross' Frozen Foods, serving battered cod for a good while now, once set fire to a haystack that belonged to Brad Pitt
Jasmine Urquhart Hogg - posh lass with a hitler mustache, she gets her kicks by throwing mice at bells
Ronnie Hot Dogs
Andy to Bob
Ken Kicky Doors - goes around the estate and kicks in one front door each night 9PM, says he's got a letter from the SAS that allows him to do it, but noone's ever asked to see it
The Invisible Toddler - actually the invisible man, but he crouches down
(Dr) Press Twice For Spice, Press Thrice for Shite - part man, part machine
